Howling at the moonbats

I prowl some odd corners of the web. One day while exploring Google's new Groups feature, I went to one place, which linked to another, which linked to another, which linked to another, and, eventually, I wound up here, reading the following with some bemusement:

Deeandre's Guide to Moonbats.

OK the buzzword of this winter season is definitely "Moonbat". I’m not sure who coined it and I don’t really care, but devoted Usenet participants should all be aware of what a moonbat is. You’ve all seen them, dealt with them and have abhorred them but you never knew how to qualify them. Well now you can with this handy dandy: Deeandre's Guide to Moonbats.

**** Origins of the Moonbat ****

If we trace the roots of the moonbat movement back far enough we will inevitably find ourselves in the year 1968. For moonbats 1968 is akin to the birth of Christ. In moonbat time we exist in the CE 38. Woodstock, The Age of Aquarius, cowards dodging the war, drug addiction, STDs and all that other dirty hippy shit all really culminated in 1968. So moonbats are essentially an extension of the original hippies. Of course the whole hippy movement still exists but it never had any sustenance and teeth to it. Sure they grasped at some unifying elements such as New Age mumbo jumbo, Diversity Indoctrination and Ralph Nader but nothing ever stuck. What really unified this loose knit group of weirdoes and discontents was President George Bush Jr. Yes his first election victory over Al Gore was sort of a second coming for these people and it was at this point with the simple admission that "Bush stole the election" that the moonbats were borne. The whole movement and discipleship has since snowballed after "Bush stole the second election and conspired with Halliburton to launch a war for oil."

**** Moonbat's core beliefs ****

All moonbats hate President Bush. It’s mandatory. There’s a little flexibility among other moonbat core beliefs but hating Bush is numero uno. Moonbats are not deep thinkers even though most of them have at least some education from an exclusive liberal arts institution. They tend to resonate with short slogans such as "Bush Lied Kids Died, No War for Oil", or anything with the words Halliburton. As a matter of fact just uttering the word ‘Halliburton’ is sure to send the moonbats into a frenzy. It’s like dumping fresh blood into a swarm of sharks. Moonbats are convinced that the Bush Administration along with Halliburton is somehow responsible for the 9-11 tower attacks. The current war on terror is simply an extension of this conspiracy. To the moonbats all this terrorist stuff is a sham so Bush, Cheney and their rich Republican cronies can reap profits through their "war machine". All moonbats are convinced that the government is listening in on their phone conversations and monitoring their e-mails. It’s an obsession. If you want to scare away a swarm of moonbats simply shout "Patriot Act". This will send them running in terror.

**** The Moonbat Trinity ****

Moonbats are not very religious people but that doesn’t stop them from having a unholy trinity. At the top is the father, Noam Chomsky, Michael Moore represents the son and Ralph Nader represents the holy ghost. When it comes to higher level thinking or authentication of some of their more bizarre conspiracy theories these are the deities that the moonbats look towards.

**** Moonbat Language ****

Moonbat's language is nuanced. They speak English just like we do but common words and expressions that are generally value neutral are laden with value judgments with the moonbat. If you’re aware you’ll know you’re talking to a moonbat within 30 seconds. Let me give you an example. Last summer I was at a wedding and got seated next to some moonbats at the reception. I had my suspicions right off the bat by their looks, more on that later, but the real clincher was the language. I don’t know how he did it but just after introductions this moonbat mentioned Bush, war for oil, corporate greed, the state of the nation and relocating to France all in one sentence. His colors were flying. I made a beeline for the cash bar. To a moonbat word like religious, conservative, Republican, family values, white, work, capitalism, profit, corporate and self restraint are all pejoratives. Listen for the use of these words and notice the negative intonation when Mr. Moonbat says, "Joe Smith works for a corporation and goes to church on Sunday." Make no bones about it Mr. Moonbat hates Joe Smith.

**** Non-Employment ****

Moonbats don’t work unless it’s absolutely necessary and even then it’s barely considered legitimate employment. It’s true that many moonbats are trustfunders but not of the Paris Hilton variety. Paris has money that we couldn’t even comprehend. Moonbats are what I call mini trustfunders. This means that they had a grandfather or father who was a successful business man or professional and he invested this money wisely for the use of his progeny. Were talking a half million here, a quarter of a million there. To guys like me that’s a lot of money but it’s not enough to live the jet set lifestyle of a Paris Hilton but it does go far enough for one guy to avoid working for most if not all of his adult life. It’s really rather pathetic because this money was usually hard earned and meant to be used for something greater not squandered by some grown man with a beard who wiles his days away in coffee houses, yoga classes and forming and reforming bands. We’ve all met guys like this.

**** Barely employment ****

Occasionally the moonbat will either have to work or will choose to work out of embarrassment. Moonbats with mini trust funds are extremely self conscious about their unearned wealth. They get tired of inquires about what they do for a living especially when they hit their mid thirties and have no compelling reason to get up before noon. They will never go as far as to get a legitimate job citing ethical reasons when in reality we all know it’s out of fear of work. These moonbats tend to gravitate toward the "non-traditional professions". These are your community activists, freelance writers, freelance photographers and "healing arts" types. In other words they don’t really have jobs but the titles sound pretty cool. For example I met moonbat couple this past Saturday. She was a "naturopathic physician" and he was an "environmentalist" who does some "freelance writing". Oh boy.

**** The Look ****

Honestly I can always tell a moonbat by the look. It’s dead give away and it helps me to avoid thousands of unwanted conversations. A simple rule of thumb to follow is that if hair, clothing and general deportment is adult and professional looking than it can’t be a moonbat. For a moonbat male beards are practically a prerequisite. I mean who wears a beard anymore? Hairy legs are the female counterpart. We can thank the goddess that we never have to see them. The hair will generally be longish on men and either extremely long or unflatteringly short on the moonbat women. The footwear is invariably some sort of sandal worn with purple socks during the winter months. Clogs are also a bit hit. Suits for either men or women are non-existent. Natural fibers and what can only be described as indigenous fashion abound. Women never wear makeup. Deodorant is optional at best. Female moonbats can best be described as dour and sullen looking. Male moonbats look emasculated but carry an almost constant self righteous smirk on their faces as if they are in on some secret to life that only they are privy to.

**** Where to find moonbats ****

Moonbats can be found wherever there are universities and colleges, in extremely gentrified urban areas and on the fringes of extreme wealth. Despite their rhetoric about diversity there will be a virtual absence of any minorities unless they are working food service jobs. They live in exclusive communities but they prefer to call them ‘progressive’. You’ll know you’re in one by the plethora of vintage clothing stores, music stores, healing arts scams, coffee shops and eateries that serve things like coos-coos and humus. Also look out for the ubiquitous zone signage. You know the type. This is a smoke free zone, nuclear free zone, hate free zone, etc, etc. Of course the dead give a away will be the streets teaming with adults, dressed like they are in junior high, riding alternative forms of transportation, all during adult working hours. You’re now in prime moonbat habitat, everyone “doing their own thing” unless of course that thing involves work.

A typical day in the life of a moonbat:

Wake up without an alarm around noonish. Turn on NPR’s "All Things Considered". Pour yourself a bowl of organic Kashi and soymilk but when no one’s looking you pull put your stash of Coco Puffs and have a heaping bowl.

Go to the bathroom and make sure your hair looks even messier than it did when you rolled out of bed. Slip on your uniform of jeans, clogs and some ironic T-shirt. Jump on your fixie, skateboard or scooter and make your way down to the local non-corporate coffee house. Find a used copy of the New York Times, Mother Jones or the Utne Reader. You don’t have to actually read it. Just holding it will be enough to let everyone know that you’re well informed.

After killing 30 minutes to 3 hours in the coffee house make your way over to the corner store for some American Spirit cigarettes. Peruse each and every porno mag until the Korean proprietor throws you out.

Whoa! It’s almost 4:00 pm. Time for "work" at the Yoga College of Namaste. As an assistant yoga teacher you get free yoga classes and all the organic carrot juice you can drink not to mention all the hands on work with the female students. OK it’s 5:30 pm and works finally over. She if that hottie wants to go to the Red Radish to discuss pranayama or how Bush lied. She doesn’t. Must be a dyke.

Pedal over to the local college hang out and have a few cold ones. Maybe some 18 year old co-ed will want to stroke your beard or talk about Halliburton. Great, it’s Reggae Night with 10% of all the proceeds going to the Impeach Bush Campaign. Hmm, where are all the chicks? It’s just a few dozen dudes with beards. It’s kind of like looking in a mirror.

Go home but not before stopping by Burger King. Make sure no one’s looking and grab a Whopper or two to go. Get home and wolf down the Whopper. Take a long look in the mirror. Maybe if you grew your beard longer it would hide that double chin. Have these jeans shrunk? Start getting depressed. Call up your 75-year-old mother and threaten suicide if she doesn’t send you ten grand. After she agrees hang up and contemplate suicide anyway. Make sure your roommates are all asleep and order a block of Spice flicks. Rub one or two out and pass out. Repeat the whole process the next day.

There you have it people. All you ever didn't want to know about Moonbats and their lifestyle. Now that you know how to spot one go out and punch one in the face and shout "Halliburton".

Kickin' it wit' my ho,
-- Deeandre' Babydaddy

It's like self serve satire. It practically parodies itself.

I had considered the possibility that this was, in fact, intended as some kind of subtle joke. But then I pulled up the actual Google profile page for this author. And... well... if it's a parody, it's something he's certainly invested some time and effort in supporting.

Anyway. Next time someone punches you in the face while screaming "Halliburton!", check the booking slip after you press charges. Maybe it's Deeandre' Babydaddy himself, taking some time off from kickin' it wit' his ho in order to put a beat down on a moonbat.