Friday, January 26, 2007

O Danny boy, the pipes the pipes are calling...

Dan Riehl, Dan Riehl. If you don't know who he is, well, here's a sample:

And as for Hagel, I hope he gets run over by the same bus I suggested might take the rest of the peaceniks out, if we're lucky. If there were any justice, he'd be pulled out of Congress and horse whipped on the DC mall. Voting for a war and then voting against reinforcements, even as only a matter of misguided principle, is one of the most pathetic acts I've ever seen the un-American elected filth in DC undertake.

Hagel needs to be opposed and beaten in the primary if he ever runs again.

A slavering desire to see people he doesn't agree with killed... no, that's not enough, so, tortured... in public, expressed in some of the most uncivil, openly insulting and badly written invective imaginable... check! So that's Dan Riehl... yet another wingnut. Not bright, can't write, but boy, he can sure fantasize up some nasty shit happening to people he dislikes with style and gusto, you betcha.

But personally, I think he can do better. After all, in the passage above, he's only talking about a fellow Republican, one of his own elected officials, a United States Senator from one of those great Midwestern red states whose populace represents the heart and soul of our traditional American values, a guy who, among other things, lists on his personal biography:

Hagel served in Vietnam with his brother Tom in 1968. They served side by side as infantry squad leaders with the U.S. Army’s 9th Infantry Division. Hagel earned many military decorations and honors, including two Purple Hearts.

Dan Riehl's brief bio page at his own blog tells us the following about him:

I've always written. My published writing career began with journalism in college. I went on to edit my college newspaper. After a short time as a freelance writer and employee of a mid-sized weekly newspaper, I went on to apply my writing skills in business through employment as a marketing and sales manager for a Fortune 100 corporation.

Today I'm a marketing and sales director for an established technology company and also maintain Riehlworldview.

Along with writing on politics and topical news, I follow and report on significant crime stories with the assistance of a growing community of readers and posters who read and post regularly on my weblog.

And, Dan's interests are:

For activities I enjoy Golf and sport fishing. Other interests include History, politics, and good movies. Favorite book is "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, movie - "There's Something About Mary" by the Farrelly Bros. In music I like variety from old top forty to Tom Waits, the Allman Bros. Band right through to Sinatra. My favorite quote is from Whitman, "I am large. I contain multitudes. I contradict myself." I believe that's true of all of us.

He doesn't mention how quickly he starts to hyperventilate at the thought of 'peaceniks' being plowed under by public transportation run amok, or an elected member of his government being flogged in public, but I guess in this case, those who know, know.

All this is pretty fabulous stuff; Dan's a private citizen whose greatest claim to fame is that he has a weblog and works as marketing and sales manager for a Fortune 100 company. But this is America, and in America, no matter how big a dipshit you are, you can still go out and publicly advocate the deaths by mayhem and/or public torture of U.S. Senators who won combat medals in Vietnam and not even feel the tiniest bit of shame for it. Well, that's what makes America great, yes, it is. But Dan, I think you're holding out on us. As mind-bogglingly stupid and utterly demented as your behavior has been to date, I really think you can go that extra yard for us if you try.

No? You don't think so? Okay, let's try this. Go find a very well known, very popular libertarian blog where someone has just posted their view regarding your views on Jim Webb's views as regards Our Fearless Leaders views (whew!) which he just expressed in this year's SOTU, and see if you can't find some way to say something even more completely retarded than the stuff we've seen you say already.

You really can't? Aw, Dan. You're just being shy. You know you can do it. Go ahead, there's the comment thread... c'mon, c'mon, look what they're saying to you:

P.S. Dan — Webb has a son on active duty in Iraq. I hope you get the chance someday to advise the junior Senator from VA — who is a pugilist and decorated Marine — to his face that his speech was naughty, given that his son is among those in harm’s way.

You're not going to take that, are you, Dan? You're not going to sit there on the bench while goddam no good peacenik hippie liberal traitor motherfuc....

Oh, good, you're typing. Let's see what you have to say:


Comment by Dan Riehl —
January 24, 2007 @ 9:25 am

I wouldn’t say it was “naughty,” just relatively treasonous and cowardly. But what else to expect from a nut who melted down as Naval Sec after ten months? Not much, obviously.


Oh my GOD! Oh my GOD, Dan, that's some beautiful, beautiful shit! That's pure wingnut gold! Did you actually type the phrase 'relatively treasonous' with a straight face? I mean, Dan, Dan, what does that mean? 'Relatively treasonous'? Relative to what? You mean that disagreeing with the Chief Executive about his batshit insane 'surge' plan in public is the act of a traitor, compared to, what, publicly calling for U.S. Senators to be horsewhipped in public because you don't like them? Honestly, Dan, I at least am all ears. Please advise me as to your Theory of Relativity in Context With Treasonous Speeches By U.S. Senators. In detail. I'm rapt, honestly.

And then, you make it even better by adding 'cowardly'! You, the sales and marketing manager for a Fortune 100 company, are calling a decorated ex Marine combat veteran 'cowardly'! Bravely hammering your keyboard with those flexible fingers that so lovingly caress golf balls and tie fishing flies, you pause to ask someone in the next room if they could turn the air conditioning up just a smidge and maybe bring you a Diet Coke, before returning once again to your savagely courageous onslaught on speeches that annoy you.

With pearl-like turds such as this dropping so easily from your lips, Dan, it's not hard to believe you spend hours and hours each day with your tongue buried deeply in Administration ass.

And then there's that thing about how Jim Webb is 'a nut who melted down as Naval Sec after ten months'? Well, Dan, that's certainly a point of view, and a man like you, someone who has always written, who enjoys golf and sports fishing, a marketing and sales director who follows and reports on significant crime stories with the assistance of a growing community of readers and posters who read and post regularly on his weblog*, well, you'd certainly be the guy I'd turn to for incisive, informed commentary as regards the job performance of a decorated ex-combat Marine, former Secretary of the Navy, and current U.S. Senator.

O Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calllllling... but honestly, I think you should dump the crack out of them, throw them in the trash, and go get yourself a real fucking job, buddy.

*My brain just punched its way out of the back of my skull and ran shrieking up the street to the Dundee Tavern to get drunk, which I can't blame it for, having forced it to not only read that sentence but to actually re-type it. If I don't post for the rest of the day, it's because I'm up at the Dundee trying to coax my brain back into my skull with pretzels and promises that I will never, never, never re-type any Dan Riehl authored sentences again.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

How much sense does this make?


Why isn't Ted Rall running for President?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Right on

I used to post shit like the following essay over at my other blog, The Miserable Annals of the Earth. It used to drive one of my ex girlfriends nuts when I'd post this stuff there, because she feels it's deeply unfair to stereotype all conservatives the same way. She feels that some conservatives are decent, salt of the earth types who only want traditional American values to continue to have a place as we make our way forward into the brave new world of the 21st Century, or something like that... I don't know; she's a better writer than I am and puts it much more eloquently.

And, y'know, I'm aware that not all conservatives are deeply evil people like Dick Cheney or Jerry Falwell. For example, my little bro is a conservative too, and he's a very nice guy as well. It's just, he's a very nice guy who has no problem whatsoever with the fact that one pair of American citizens has the right to avail themselves of a legal process that will confer upon them certain specific rights and privileges worth thousands of dollars a year, and another pair of American citizens doesn't, and the only difference between the two subsets is, one set makes him uncomfortable. He's a true blue American patriot, he supports the troops, if he owned the only surviving edition of the American Constitution he'd almost certainly die to protect it from the slavering hordes of Islamofascists... he's just not wild about that part that says " Section. 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws."

Because, you see, it's very very clear to him that our Founding Fathers never intended that clause to apply to the specific instance of disgusting faggots availing themselves of the privilege of marriage.

Now, I sincerely and genuinely love my brother; he's a great guy, a wonderful father to my nephew, I like him and admire him deeply. He's standing up for me at my wedding. I could not be more proud of a younger brother than I am of him. And I have no doubt that my friend who dislikes it so intensely when I stereotype conservatives also knows some admirable conservatives who may well be veritable Gifts of the Magii when it comes to being good friends and wonderful people and fabulous hands at the backyard barbecue, and so it is that I understand her reluctance to go along with me when I write shit that essentially says "all conservatives are like this", because, well, I'm a liberal, and when liberals write things like that (as when conservatives write similar stuff about us) the things we acribe universally to all conservatives, or they to us, are generally negative in character.

Which is to say, I think conservatives all suck, and they seem to feel much the same towards us.

But here's the thing: I have never in my life met or even heard of a single conservative who doesn't believe that it's okay to deny equal protection under the law (in this case, the law that allows two people to enter into a legally binding relationship arrangement conveying upon them certain specific rights and privileges worth a great deal of money) to any number of American citizens just because those particular American citizens make them queasy. Oh, my brother will go on and on at great and very articulate length about the homosexual agenda to undermine our basic Christian and American values and to destroy the nuclear family and eradicate our entire way of life, but what he simply will never address is, well, the Constitution very specifically says, if they are American citizens, it is illegal to abridge their privileges as citizens, or to deny them equal protection of United States law. So when a justice of the peace says "No, I will not allow the two of you to get married because, you know, you're gross", he or she is breaking the law.

Every conservative I know is okay with that. In fact, the whole "gay marriage is ucky" thing is essentially a universal, unfailing, perfect and immaculate litmus test for conservatives... if you're okay with gays getting married, well, it doesn't matter what else you may hate or favor; you CANNOT be a conservative.

And as long as conservatives, as a group, are all singlemindedly and of one voice adamantly opposed to the full implementation of the Equal Protection clause of the Constitution, I feel absolutely justified in writing stuff like the following essay.

If you feel you are a conservative, and you also feel you could find it in you to support, say, my future stepdaughter if at some point in the future she wants to get married to someone she deeply loves and wants to share the rest of her life with, who may just happen to be of the same gender as she is, well, then, I salute you and the following text may not apply to you.

There are many ways one can typify the contemporary social movement known popularly as conservatism. You can call it an essentially childish denial of unpleasant aspects of external reality, and it is.

You can describe conservatism as a blind and destructive yearning for a never-existent Golden Age in which an impossible and obsolete standard of propriety (based almost entirely on the never clearly articulated but always implicitly understood precept of white male dominance over all others) was universally enforced, and that would be true as well.

You can name it anti-intellectual and this is also accurate, as the entire social movement is all about indulging the most infantile emotions while utterly rejecting anything remotely resembling constructive, rational, or analytical thought.

You can even state that the conservative movement is almost entirely motivated by fear, and this is just as cogent and lucid an insight as any of these others.

Yet what perhaps comes truest to the mark, when one distills the conservative impulse down to its very basest foundation, is to say this: conservatism is based in its entirety on primitive xenophobic terror. The true conservative does not, will not, can not tolerate people who differ significantly from them in behavior or belief. Members of other tribes either join up with the conservatives – or they must be destroyed. There is no middle ground. Either you are with them, or you are against them.

When conservatives rage against multiculturalism and ‘political correctness’, they are essentially demanding the dubious ‘right’ to be entirely intolerant of anything that differs from what they themselves are comfortable with.

When a 21st Century conservative screams about Islamofascism, he does so with the same voice that bellowed “string that nigger up!” only a few generations ago.

When conservatives whine and snivel as regards “the War on Christmas”, their surly, bitter imprecations are entirely informed by their deep and petulant resentment that anyone anywhere in the world celebrates a Midwinter Holiday in any way other than what they themselves have grown up with and are accustomed to.

When conservatives war on drugs, or on indecency, or on pornography, they are doing battle with the individual choices of people who choose to behave differently than they themselves deem is proper.

It’s worthwhile to note that conservatives are almost never in conflict with any kind of behavior that is actually any of their business. They set out to destroy things that offend them, never things that actually cause them harm. Conservatives make the same mistake as all other infants; they conflate being angered by something with being hurt or somehow diminished by it, and they believe that outrage is the same as injury.

One of the deepest measures of adulthood is the capacity to understand that simply because someone else is different , that doesn’t necessarily mean they are objectionable, and hell, even if someone is objectionable, that doesn’t necessarily mean they should be killed or locked up for it. When a grown up runs into someone who offends him or her, the grown up will learn to avoid such a person’s company. Live and let live is an aphorism that is very nearly a litmus test for maturity; conservatives never quite grasp it. They understand it, mind, they simply don’t like it, and furthermore, they take enormous pride in the fact that they refuse to accept its validity.

Conservatives are children; fearful and resentful of anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. On some level, they understand that their outrage and offense does not equate to any sort of legitimate entitlement to action, which is why conservatives never argue on the basis of their own individual feelings. They swaddle their umbrage in patriotism and religion; they are never battling simply to keep their own stomachs from turning when they see two men holding hands on a public street, oh no. They are always fighting for decency, for propriety, for Christian values and our very American way of life itself. They are waging an unending culture war for the sake of the children, to support the troops, to preserve the nuclear family, or because of national security. It's not that they can't stand the thought of other people doing things they don't think are proper; it's always that when other people do things that conservatives don't think are proper, they are offending against God and/or destroying the essential moral fabric of society.

Conservatives are never selfish. They aren't racist, homophobic, envious, jealous, bluenosed, prudish little dumbfucks who are mostly lashing out at other people doing things they either don't dare or can't get anyone to let them do themselves. No, they are always always always selfless crusaders for the public good. They know best, not just for them, but for all of us, too. Their Bible tells them so.

This essential xenophobia is why conservatives can talk about things like religious freedom with a straight face, and honestly never see the hypocrisy involved in only advocating religious freedom for one very specific faith and/or belief system. To conservatives, that faith is an inherent part of their tribal identity. It is sacrosanct. Any perceived infringement on it -- such as, for example, a liberal activist judge stupidly and dangerously ruling that 'no religious expressions on public ground' actually includes the Christian religion, too -- is an intolerable invasion of the conservative movement's basic Constitutional and human rights. Those rules can certainly apply to all those goddam heathen religions; they aren't real, anyway! But to conservatives, rules that forbid something always exclude members of their own tribe, while rules that permit something never include anyone else.

As with any essentially xenophobic movement, conservatism is childish, and fear driven, and reactionary. They yearn for a past that never really existed; an era exemplified by 50s era TV families and Playboy cartoons, where White Daddy always has an executive position at a bank or an insurance company, White Mommy is always home cooking in the kitchen, and White Wally and White Beaver never get into any trouble that dad can't sort out with a few vaguely comforting if somewhat dotty aphorisms when he finally gets home. White Daddy always has a hot young secretary at the office, and her firm, well skirted ass is always available for a quick grope as she's bending over his desk to put some correspondence down.

There are no unwed teenage mothers in this Conservative Utopia, no interracial couples, no non-white people at all except for janitors and maids and gardeners. There are no labor laws, no minimum wage, and certainly no goddam unions; if an avuncular white banker can find an 8 year old kid or a 56 year old Mexican who wants to mow his lawn for a quarter and a bowl of ice cream, well, that's free enterprise in action. There's no pornography, and everyone goes to the same vaguely Protestant Christian church on Sundays. Nobody has extramarital sex (by which we mean, of course, no married women sleep with anyone but their husbands; the husbands, of course, have to service all those hot young single secretaries at the office and on business trips, because the White Man's Burden can be dreadful at times), nobody smokes dope or shoots up H or questions the President, the kids all get straight Bs in school except for gym, where they get As (because nobody wants a dork/nerd/spaz in the family).

Every neighborhood has one fat guy, one bald guy, and one kid who wears his baseball cap backwards, and everyone else makes fun of them behind their backs. All the books in the public library are decent and wholesome; all the comic books are upright and proper, all the movies and TV shows are uplifting and stalwart and Good Clean Fun. Everybody loves football and baseball and hockey. Everyone celebrates Christmas in December and Independence Day in July. The Commies are out there somewhere, but the military and the FBI and the CIA will sort them out, you betcha.

The fact that the real 50s and 60s were nothing like the bizarre Rock Hudson/Doris Day holodeck fantasy I've described above doesn't trouble them. In reality, J. Edgar Hoover and Rock Hudson were gay, the U.S. government was letting black children be born and grow up with syphilis, they were exposing troops to radioactivity and unwitting civilian communities to LSD and tailored viruses as parts of military scientific experiments, they were secretly gathering and sheltering hordes of ex Nazis to work on our space program, and people were being blacklisted based on what meetings they attended in college, or whether or not they would rat out their friends to Congress.

Conservatives don't care. They hate the present, they fear the future. The past is their only refuge, and for all its uglinesses, at least one thing about it is inarguable: white men were in charge. White men could do anything they wanted. White men ran the world. They could grab the secretary's ass and beat up any faggot they came across with impunity. Niggers and spics kept to their places, by God. And everybody wished everybody else a Merry Christmas and they damned well liked it, too.

The fact that all those things I've listed were unpleasant, unfair, unjust, immoral, indecent, insane, evil, and wrong does not daunt any conservative. They liked it when white men were in charge of reality; they resent what they perceive as their diminished stature now. They do not want equality; equality is for suckers. Once they were the lords of all they surveyed. They could not be arrested, they could not be sued, they couldn't even be ticketed because they played golf with all the cops and all the judges. Their sons played football and grew up to start their own banks or insurance companies; their daughters were gracious and charming and beautiful, and they grew up to marry the sons of other bankers and insurance executives.

In this wonderful fabulous Golden Age, Caucasian males paid whatever wages they wanted to pay, charged whatever rents they wanted to set, cheated on their taxes, voted Republican, and drove gynormous fucking cars with incredibly shitty gas mileage because fuel was only 25 cents a gallon. They had all this because they earned all this; they fought in World War II and their grandfathers discovered America and tamed the wild frontier and built the friggin railroads and by God they deserved to be the Kings of Creation. God was in His heaven and He was damned well a white man. Those were the days. Those were the goddam days.

When Rick Santorum speaks of "the gathering storm of Islamofascism", he is yearning for the long lost glory days of World War II, when we could call our enemy a race of rice eating slanty eyed subhumans and a stalwart President could nuke them back to the Stone Age and the world would applaud.

When Shelly the Republican voices her disgust at gays doing a disco dance in front of a picture of her Lord and Savior, she is desperately wishing the world would return to a time when all a godless homo could expect from society was a police nightstick to the groin and a long prison term locked up with his fellow degenerates.

When Debbie Schlussel raves about how Barack Obama is a Muslim, she is sobbing in her heart for a long lost American utopia where any black man who so much as dared to even think about running for any elective office in America outside of Harlem or Watts would have been promptly castrated and then hung, and no real American even knew what the fuck a 'Muslim' was.

When Rush Limbaugh talks about how all drug addicts should go to jail, and all drug dealers should be immediately executed, except, you know, for him and the maid he scores his illegal pain meds from, he is hankering after a time when hopheads and junkies were universally regarded as the detritus of society, when nobody tried to 'help' them, when the only social program they could enroll in was a long stretch in a county slammer... unless, of course, they were affluent white men, in which case, you know, they could enter a genteel treatment program and it was nobody's else's business anyway.

And when Pamela Gellar Oshry burbles on and on and on about "John Bolton's Big, Swingin'... Stick", what she wants more than anything... well, besides the obvious, I mean... is an interdimensional pass to a world where white men are always saving the world for white women from the nasty dark skinned slanty eyed hordes, and married white women stay in their kitchens and bake while unmarried white women get mouth fucked at the office by married white men, so their wives don't ever have to do that nasty fellatio stuff themselves.

Although I don't know. Pam might well be willing to strap on a pair of kneepads for her sainted Mr. Bolton. She'd doubtless close her eyes and think of America while she bobbed her head in and out, but I'm pretty sure she'd be willing to make the ultimate conservative woman's sacrifice for her idol of idols.

Okay, that last is mean, and I should probably cut it, but, hey, you go over to Pam's site and spend five minutes reading her drivel and then tell me whether she deserves it or not.

Conservatism as a movement is mean spirited. By its very nature, it yearns for a world in which only conservatives have any authority, and where that authority is by its nature abusive, in that its primary use is to enrich and gratify conservatives at the expense of all others, while setting conservatives above any sort of reproach and immunizing them against suffering from any possible negative consequences of their acts. It is a movement embodied in entitlement and born of a surly, bewildered, uncomprehending resentment at a world that says "you aren't any better than the rest of us, you don't get anything you haven't earned". Conservatives deeply, deeply believe in inherent privilege, as long as they are the inheritors and the privileged.

Sean Hannity once said something along the lines of "You can like liberals, you can be friends with them, but you cannot under any circumstances allow them to govern". I'm sure he was sincere when he said it, but what he actually meant was, when liberals, or other social progressives, make the rules for a while, they tend to try to reshape society in a way that makes it more fair for everyone, of all races, beliefs, cultures, and creeds.

Conservatives hate this. They are not interested in everyone being equal; they find it to be an utterly repellent and appalling idea. Until recently, their tribe ran the world... and that's the way they liked it... and that's the way they want the world to be again.

Update: At least one conservative deeply and bitterly resents the way I'm stereotyping his right wing ass. He's not a racist pinhead who yearns only for the dim dead past when white men ruuuuuuuuuuled the world, he fumes, and hardly any other conservative he knows is, either! All us goddam limp wristed pansy ass liberals do nothing but stereotype conservatives, and he's sick of it! He doesn't mention anywhere in his vehement exposition exactly how he actually feels about, say, gay marriage, but he does make me vaguely ashamed I've lumped him and all his decent, kind hearted, non-Sith pals in with utter tools like Rick Santorum and that dimwit she-troll at Atlas Shrugged.

So, maybe I should expand my definition of "the kind of conservatives I wrote this post about" from one point to two: along with being insanely opposed to gay marriage, the people I'm talking about here all voted for Bush at least once.

So -- if you're opposed to gay marriage because, you know, fags are icky and besides, God hates them, AND, you voted for that dimwit in Al Gore's office at least once, congratulations... I've written thousands of words all about you, right here. Be flattered!

To be slightly serious, if only for a moment: I acknowledge that certainly, there must be at least a few old school conservatives still out there; patriots who believe in limited government power, individual freedoms and civil liberties, and who love their country enough that when it goes to war, they either run right out and enlist, or at the very least, they proudly encourage their children to do so. And certainly, those true blue conservatives must be very frustrated with the gutless, insanely power-crazed megalomaniacal morally bankrupt and ethically corrupt shitheels who have utterly hijacked their political party and socio-economic philosophy, making it simultaneously the laughing stock and venom target of everyone else in the known world.

And I feel for you guys, really, I do.

But I'd feel even more for you if you'd stop voting for the assholes I'm writing about here.

Plus, if you like the goddam War On Terror so fucking much, go join the goddam Marines, bitches.

Another day, another post at Who Is Ioz...

It's hard for conservatives, though. It's a tough world out there, and they're afraid of everything in it that isn't white and sitting in the same church pew with them, and even some of THOSE guys make them nervous. If they actually thought about stuff they might manage to see at least some things clearly, but reality sucks and the more you actually think the more you have to accept this, and it's much much more fun to just feel good about things that, well, feel good. Which is where that phrase comes from.

So they like and support the other people who make them feel good and they dislike/hate/loathe/virulently despise/vehemently oppose anyone or anything that makes them afraid or uncomfortable in any way. And the things that make them afraid include anything they actually try to think about, and the thing that makes them most uncomfortable is the process of analytical thought to any degree at all.

And many of them have a great deal of money that either they or one of their ancestors swindled or stole from someone else, so they buy up a lot of media outlets and talk a lot of shit and suddenly they're a movement and a sociological phenomenon and a great many crafty free lunchers decide "Hey, I can get a really good gig that doesn't require any work and where I can take a lot of bribes if I just pander to these idiots' worse prejudices on TV".

And here we are.

If I sound like I'm describing a bunch of 8 year olds, well, yeah. That's the guiding principle of the conservative movement -- the 8 year old worldview. I don't like it, I hate it, I don't wanna think about it, make the bad man go away, daddy. Amplify that through endless think tanks, infinite talk radio hosts, and all the blather at Fox News, and, again.... here we are.

The power of not thinking is profound. But it's not their fault. They just want to feel good.

Monday, January 15, 2007

When Digby Drivels


Everybody loves Digby. You cannot get away from Digby. All the cool political blogs blogroll Digby. All the big poli-bloggers regularly link to Digby content, and rave about what a brilliant political genius Digby is. Digby wins all these awards. Digby Digby Digby. Oh Jesus everybody just worship Digby. Digby is a left wing GOD.

Here's something I just found posted on Digby's blog. It is not, apparently, by Digby. But Digby seems to think it is worthy of being read at his massively genius level award winning hugely touted poli-blog, since it went up two weeks ago and he hasn't taken it down.

Cogent. Insightful. Lucid. Hard hitting. Here it is, from the Koufax Awards' Blog of the Year:

No Soul

by poputonian

President Bush has an urge
To go on a psychotic-fed splurge
Like back in his school-boy class
When he exploded a poor frog's ass
He'll fix this urge with a surge

He's the presidential rampager
He'll use the troops as a wager
To bet that he's right
That it's worth it to fight
To save his ass from the Haguer

But the president has dug up a hole
That will end the Bush family role
As the walls cave in
Where words can't spin
To bury the man with no soul

So we're tired of hearin' him preach
About freedom and liberty's reach
To the far distant land
Of oil and sand
Instead, it's time to impeach

Somewhere in Hypertime (where everything is real) Senator John Blutarski (wearing a toga made from a bedsheet) is beating Poputonian to death with Poputonian's own laptop right now.

Unfortunately, here in the real world, this crap will almost certainly win some kind of award, and Poputonian will not only continue to live, but he/she will continue to write head poundingly wretched drivel like this whenever he/she wants, and Digby will then inflict it on his hundreds of thousands of adoring readers.

Somebody saaaaaaaave me.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

The art of not being seen

The finest woman in the world advises me that it's DeLurking Week. In fact, DeLurking Week is very nearly over.

I know there can't be very many of you out there, given the daily hits this thing gets. Still, there are doubtless a few of you. Deactivate your cloaking device long enough to say 'hi', okay?

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Koufax Awards alert

The Koufax Awards are now open.

If you'd be so kind (whoever you may be, reading this at this moment) please go over there and nominate this post for most humorous political post of 2006.

Or maybe this one, although it's very very long.

Feel free to nominate this blog, or my geek blog for anything you feel fits, too.

Yeah, I'm shameless. I almost certainly can't win anything, but I sure wouldn't mind some more traffic to either or both sites.


Monday, January 08, 2007

Tripping the light craptastic

A 12 hour shift at work, beginning at 8 am and ending at 8 pm. A day that started with me rolling out of bed at 5:30 and hitting the floor running -- or at least, shambling rapidly -- so I could shower, apply abrasives to selected quadrants of my facial hair, polish my teeth, pull on dress code compatible garb, and hie myself up to a windy corner in time to leap aboard my bus, and which ended with me getting into SuperFiancee's car for the longish trip home (buses don't run from where I work after 5:30 or so), where I disembarked and found myself in a home warmly swarming with noisy future stepdaughters and their concomitant, occasionally cyclonesque clutter.

If you have to work an involuntary 12 hour shift at Craptastic Call Center, I heartily recommend having SuperFiancee and the SuperKids waiting for you when you get home. It reminds you that life is not only worth living, but even fabulously so, despite everything that asshole supervisors can do to convince you otherwise.

All of which is to say, people up the food chain where I work went out and brought in several new clients, each of whom have tens of thousands of new participants. They also sold new features to existing clients, each of whom also have tens of thousands of participants. This generated wonderful six and seven figure bonus checks for them, and astonishing six and seven figure call queues for me and my twenty six or so fellow Customer Service Reps, because it apparently never occurred to these fucking dimwits that all this new business would generate massive amounts of new phone calls, and they hadn't bothered to hire any new staff to deal with said phone calls.

So, the progression at work has been as follows: about a week before Christmas, all us non-managerial types got a wonderful holiday bonus, in the form of a decorative plate that probably cost the princely sum of nearly 7 cents apiece. Beginning the week after Christmas, we started to get insane levels of call volume, maxing out all 50 available incoming lines after everyone working was taking a call and leaving hundreds of participants to get busy signals all day long. This continued for the first week of the New Year, entirely because nobody in management had bothered to (a) hire more people to deal with the entirely predictable increased work load, and/or (b) implement fairly easy alternate methods for new participants to do various things like activate their new account cards or order extra cards for dependents, two of most common calls out of the deluge of new calls we were getting.

So, after the insulting Christmas non-bonus and two weeks of an insane, nightmarish, and hellish increase in call volume, all of which was directly attributable to management greed, neglect, and/or incompetence, management finally came up with a brilliant solution:

Mandatory overtime for the entire month of January.

Not for them.

So, I won't be posting much for a while.

Now, the upside of this, if there is an upside, is that I have to assume that even higher in the stratosphere than the people I answer to are people that they answer to, and those people can't be very happy at (a) our stats being in the toilet for the last two weeks and (b) the thousands and thousands of bitter, vicious complaints they must be getting from participants and client HR departments over 90 minute hold times, assuming one is lucky enough to actually get into the queue in the first place and not just get a busy signal all day long. Compounding all this is the OT they're going to be shelling out; management is never happy to be paying 20 or 30 people a lot of overtime for 4 weeks in a row, and compounding that will be the fact that we all got raises on January 1 that won't go into effect until April something, and when they do go into effect, we will all get a one time retro check to make up the difference in wages from January 1 to April, and I'm thinking that all this mandatory OT is going to make those retro checks pretty frickin' impressive. Which, again, is the kind of thing that makes management very very exasperated.

So, I'm badly badly hoping that at least a few middle management heads are going to roll over this. It would be scant comfort, but like Dick Jones, I say good business is where you find it.

All this, and on New Years Eve, we had several of the older two SuperKids' friends for a sleepover, which was a great deal of fun, but in the ensuing chaos and mayhem, someone with a sproingy Santa cap on their head managed to knock several of my clicks off the bookshelf where they live, and one of those clicks did not survive the plunge. Alas, poor Deathbird, we barely knew ye. I'm on the prowl for a replacement, but sure enough, now that I'm in the market, all the local comics shops that used to have them in their singles bins are abruptly high and dry. Just when I was getting a respectable crop of Shi'ar together, too. Dammit.

Okay, this is probably nearly all you get for quite a while. Sorry. Kill some time nominating me for a Koufax Award. It's fun, it's easy, and your nation will thank you. Or, at least, I will.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Wingnuts: They're not just for America any more

I sometimes think that the entire emotional basis for conservative intolerance comes back to that feeling of guilt most immature males feel immediately after they jerk off. Beyond all reason or analysis, this primal responses tells them that masturbation must be wrong, and, therefore, everything they fantasize about when they masturbate must also be wrong, and, therefore, it is their god given duty to make sure none of the rest of us ever have the opportunity to repeat their grievous errors.

You'd think that, given our national sense of arrogant entitlement and exceptionalism, this peculiar derivation of the natural desire to cleanse the world of all temptation to indecency and improprietry would be limited to our own borders. But, nooooooooo:

MUMBAI (AFP) - A court in central India has heard statements from a lawyer complaining that an on-screen kiss by Bollywood belle Aishwarya Rai and co-star Hrithik Roshan contravened the country's strict laws against obscenity.

The court in the city of Indore recorded statements from a local lawyer, Shailendra Dwivedi, who filed the complaint over last year's biggest Bollywood grossing film, "Dhoom 2" (Have a Blast 2).

The case is set to be heard on January 25.

"I have already submitted details of the film, the controversial scene, alongside newspaper write-ups and photographs," Dwivedi, a self-confessed moral conduct crusader, told AFP Friday.

"My conscience made me file this case. The movie cannot be watched by Indian families as it depicts vulgarity," he said.

His complaint is based on section 292 (vulgarity) and section 509 (derogatory to women) of the Indian Penal Code, and states that "Dhoom 2 lowered the dignity of Indian women and gave an obscene message to India's youth".

In the movie, Hrithik kisses former Miss World Aishwarya inside a house, just after a Brazilian carnival sequence. Although many Bollywood productions feature raunchy dance scenes, actual kissing is rarely shown on-screen.

The film, a sequel to the hit biker-gangster film "Dhoom", collected 1.65 billion rupees (37 million dollars) worldwide.

Dwivedi has in the past filed a case against Bollywood director J.P. Dutta's "LoC Kargil" after the Indian flag was shown wrongly draped.

He has also filed a case against famed Indian painter M.F. Husain for painting Hindu goddesses in the nude.

Yes, astonishing though it is, India has its very own Reverend Donald Wildmon.

Personally, I blame those effete liberal elitists in Hollywood. Without their corrupt and atheistic influence, India would still be an upright, decent, God-fearing nation of cow-worshipping pantheistic Hindus and humble, reverential Muslims.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007


Hey, go read this guy.

Then kill yourself. Quickly. If you don't, the next time you let your guard down, your hands are going to rip your own eyes right out of your head. It won't be vengeance. Just straight up self defense. What the Bushies like to call a 'pre emptive strike'.

Via Wolcott.