Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Cross examination

Here we go:

By J. Grant Swank, Jr.
Nov 2, 2006

If Dems sit upon America's throne, we will have:

Okay. Let's see -- first, America doesn't have a throne. Although Dubya and his buddies have been doing their best to change that.

Abortion clinics on every corner.

I don't think any City Council, however liberal and/or hellbound, will support rezoning every urban intersection for abortion clinics.

Same-gender 'marriages' blessed on every blissful boulevard.

Illiterate ecumenicals embarrass everyone as they attempt to alliterate idiotically.

God cleansed from the culture.

Well, to be fair, He could certainly use a shave and a haircut. Shoe shine. Maybe a new suit... I mean, have you looked at God lately? If He walked into your church looking the way you guys paint Him in those color Bible inserts, you'd have Him arrested for vagrancy.

Schools engineered for European secularism cloning.

I... what? Could you write a little more fucked up, please?

Condom machines under every lamppost.

Even closeted gay super-evangelists don't need that many condoms.

Recreational sex encouraged in public school health courses.

Youth is wasted on the wrong people. ::sniff::

Gideon Bibles absented from every motel / hotel room.

We'll hire illegals to do the leg work. Or make the godless liberals do it. After we send them to the Halliburton internment camps. Yeah.

Christian crosses erased from every political symbol, every mountain, every public building.

I know that everyyyyyyybody has a dream... this is my dream... my ownnnnnn...

Christmas symbols stored in underground caves in favor of "Season's greetings" stamps on every envelope.

No, I like Christmas. It's a historically inaccurate label for the traditional Midwinter Feast celebrated since prehistory by every human culture inhabiting the Northern Hemisphere -- I mean, if Jesus ever was born (there's no real historical evidence of it) then it certainly wasn't on December 25th -- but it's what I was raised with and the phrase that carries the most pleasant emotional associations of the celebration for me. On the other hand, if other people want to call the traditional MidWinter Feast something else, I'm fairly sure that's what the First Amendment is all about. Or something.

Christmas nativity scenes labeled "criminal."

Um... no, not so much. Unlike moron subliterate Christian conservatives, Democrats, liberals, and other fellow travelers on the left tend to actually respect things like civil liberties, freedom of expression, inalienable rights, and all that jazz. For, you know, EVERYone. Not just the people we like. Which, I grant you, isn't you.

What you MAY see, though, and I know this will drive you crazy, but still, what you COULD see, under Democrats, or, you know, any other political party that really cares about tolerance and an actual right to free expression for EVERYone, not just nutjob Jesus-blowers, is something besides a traditional Christian nativity scene next to the traditional Christian nativity scene on publicly owned property. Or, if there isn't room, then, yeah, the local magistrates may have to say "sorry, you can't have your particular religious display in this public park where many people, some of whom do not celebrate the traditional MidWinter Feast the way you do, will walk by and have to look at it, because we cannot give equal prominence to other religious displays (and if we did, you and your nutjob Jesus blowing friends would scream about THAT, and you know it's true) and so that wouldn't be fair."

Evangelicals judicially categorized as social nuisances, their publications and preaching examined by the state.

Oh, let's do one more chorus -- "I know that everybodyyyyyyyy has a dream... I know... I know..."

Darwinian evolution cemented in every public school curriculum from elementary school through high school graduation.

All religious references erased from public buildings, starting with structures in Washington DC.

Any Ten Commandments display vacuumed from public view.

Any reference to God in public addresses deleted, e.g., commencement speeches, political speeches, etc.

I am so on board with this plan. Although your vacuum cleaner is seriously going to need to have its bag changed.

Biblical believer cleansings throughout the republic.

Well, I don't want to be the one to break it to you, Reverend, but honestly, a lot of your people could stand a social introduction to the concept of 'soap'.

Homosexual couple child-adoptions encouraged in every state.

Yes, dammit! We'll pay the gay to adopt some of these goddam surplus unwanted kids all you good Christian heterosexual couples can't be bothered with, once you save them from the demon abortionists.

Judeo-Christian heritage historical instruction erased from any public mentioning and all public curricula.

No, no. I think we should teach the Albigensian Crusade in every public middle school. Seriously.

Activist judges ensconced in every courtroom throughout the United States.

Wait. You left out 'hellbound liberal' in front of 'activist judges'.

Elimination of chaplains in any public institution, starting with the US Congress.

Nah, chaplains are fine. There should just be some Innuit shaman ones, and some Muslim ones, and some Buddhist ones, and some Mormon ones...

Jesus, Reverend, take your meds or something. You're gonna stroke out right here. That vein in your forehead is about to make like the chest-burster in ALIEN.

Prohibition of evangelical chaplains in the military.

Fuck that. Our military needs all the prayer it can get, with the dickheads you people have running it.

Muslim prayer rooms established in every public area, e.g., schools, athletic gyms, and airport facilities.

It... wait. But if we take out 'Muslim' and put in 'Christian', then it's okay, right?

Muslim special time frames as Ramadan declared as holiday-days-off-from- employment.

More days off! W00T!

Korans placed in motel / hotel end tables.

More work for the illegals. God, it's great of them to work so cheap. We should buy them a chalupa, or something.

Mosques given free reign for property acquisition and construction.

Muslims encouraged to run for public office.

It... I... um... damn us! Damn us liberals for encouraging American citizens to buy property, build shit on it, and run for public office! Damn us! We must be insane!

Muslim customs such as the "sharia judicial system" permitted wherever Muslims establish housing.

Yeah, cuz, you know, we allow every other ethnic and religious sub grouping to create their own independent justice systems inside their own communities. Man-Law!

"Under God" deleted from the American flag pledge.

The Pledge of Allegiance is an embarrassment in any free society. You want your kids to take a McCarthyite loyalty oath to a piece of fucking fabric, do it at home around the breakfast table, right before morning prayers. My kids shouldn't be expected/required to recite the goddam thing in school in any free country, whether the disgusting degradation of individual liberty implicit in the Pledge's very existence is compounded further by the insertion of idiotic nonsense spittle spew like 'under Imaginary Scoutmaster In The Sky' or not.

Uh... sorry. Lost the funny for a minute. Really don't like the Pledge of Allegiance, though.

Any references to God in political hymns removed.

I... we... you...

'political hymns'?

No, my brain will explode. Moving on.

Public figure funerals absented of any reference to God.

Um... no, that would, again, be covered under the First Amendment. Hey, here's an idea. Why don't you read the Constitution of the United States of America sometime? Yowza, there's that forehead vein again...

All Christian broadcasts / telecasts deleted.


Oh yeah.


At 9:44 PM, Blogger AaA said...

Why do so many of the people on 'my side' have to be raving lunatics?

Any you, Highlander, have you no shame? I hope you're not gonna brag on that display of shooting fish in a barrel.

At least have the decency to make up your own straw man to bash us with, instead of using one of the ample supply my well-intentioned, if altogether feeblebrained, *rolls eyes* 'cohorts' provide.

I need a new side, dammit.

At 11:50 PM, Blogger Handsome said...

There are annoying people on 'my' side too, Nate. Michael Moore, for example. The primary difference is, liberals believe civil rights are for everyone, not just God's chosen people. It's why I'm on that side.

At 2:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I discovered this yipyop a while ago, thanks (if that's the right word) to s.z.. I don't know how she, and Brad, and The Editors, read all these sites without doing themselves brain damage, but I suspect it involves the ability to laugh at the spaghetti pullers despite the fact that they're currently running the country.


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