Thursday, November 02, 2006


Okay, I did not want this blog to go this way.

There are many blogs, especially poli-blogs, where all the bloggers ever seem to do is go around to other blogs, often blogs on the other end of the political spectrum from them, and cherry pick stuff which they then publicly ridicule.

I read many of those blogs, and find them for the most part to be entertaining, but still, frankly, I generally think this practice to be undignified, and even consider it counterproductive to spend a lot of time and pay a lot of attention to idiotic horseshit.

But some idiotic horseshit just cannot go unanswered.

So, over at Lawyers, Guns & Money, which is this big liberal blog that lots of the other big liberal bloggers like to link to, some guy named D has discovered that Chuck Norris isn't very smart, and in the course of his reporting on this astonishing breakthrough, he says this:

"Via Whiskey Fire, we learn that Chuck Norris now has a column at World Net Daily. It's worse than you can possibly imagine. For instance, in his response last week to the circulation of satirical (and profoundly boring and un-funny) "Chuck Norris Facts" on the internets, Norris went ahead and just stripped the fun out of everything."

He then refers his readers over to a column by Chuck Norris which, well, isn't very smart. But I'm not taking exception to that. What I am taking exception to is D's frankly retarded assertion that "Chuck Norris Facts" are "profoundly boring and un-funny". Regard, if you will:

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

See? Hilarious stuff! How can you call this boring and unfunny? Now, normally I'd let this stupidity go by, except for two things. First, this guy is making all us other 'D's look bad with his asininity. And second, well, first he says that "Chuck Norris Facts" aren't funny, and then, in the very next post, this brilliant humorist regales us with
comedy gold like this:

"As we spend the day inserting sleeping pills and needles into miniature candy bars, jamming razor blades into candied applies, and coating lollypops with LSD and angel dust, it's worth recalling that Halloween was probably a lot more fun when it was a drunken, violent holiday for adults."

I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Or maybe it's just the fact that I took my 6 year old soon to be stepdaughter trick or treating two days ago, along with my fiancee, and when we got home, my fiancee then showed me a little Hallowe'en tradition I really had never known about before -- the Inspection of the Candy, for tears or rips or unsealed packages or pinholes.

So maybe all that has something to do with me finding this piece of so called comedy spectacularly, and I mean, mind bogglingly, un-funny.

Either way, though, I will say this -- given what this guy apparently considers to be the utmost in hilarity, I can certainly understand him not liking "Chuck Norris Facts".


At 4:23 PM, Blogger AaA said...

I've found sociopaths to be generally undesirable in any social context. I've had occasion to remove two of them from my social life in the past. Thanks for the advance notice on this one, I'll simply save myself the bother.

At 11:24 AM, Blogger Opus P. Penguin said...

Fortunately or unfortunately, everyone gets their little acre...although some are scarier than others...

At 3:17 PM, Blogger Handsome said...

Well, sense of humor is subjective, I understand that. Had he simply said "The Chuck Norris Facts are not my cup of tea", I'd have shrugged and moved on.

However, his insistence on calling something I found funny stupid little names, and then, his display that his own definition of hilarity apparently included fantasies about poisoning kids... well... no. He became Pinata of the Day. No apologies.


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